For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to have children. I have wanted to be a mom.
Adoption didn't enter my mind back then. I just always assumed I would give birth to my children.
I first thought of adoption in 1998. At that time my older sister and her husband started the process of adopting a baby girl from China. I remember reading updates of their journey and thinking wow. When they brought Katie home I was so happy for her.
I think I started thinking of adoption as something I might do back in 2002. At that time I moved to Colorado. I work for a government agency that allows me to work in different areas of the country if there is an opening in my field. I have worked in the Southwest, Northeast and Pacific Northwest Regions of the United States. But moving to Colorado was special to me because it meant being as close as I could get to my family, all of whom live in New Mexico.
I remember discussing marriage and children with a close friend. I remember saying I could accept not getting married, not finding the right person to share my life with, but I would feel so incomplete if I were to miss out on being a mom. I wasn't in a relationship at the time and maybe I was a little jaded from the relationships I had been involved in, but I do remember saying I did not want to go through a pregnancy alone and if I were still single at 38, I would adopt internationally.
But things don't always go as planned.
In 2003, I became seriously ill. I developed a blood clot in my portal vein and was hospitalized for several weeks. The doctors were unable to determine at the time what caused the clot. While I have recovered and have not developed any other blood clots since then, I have been told by several different doctors that they do not recommend I become pregnant. That the hormonal changes that occur in your body with pregnancy could cause me to develop another clot. That the increased blood flow that occurs in your body with pregnancy would tax the one major vein that was damaged by my previous clot. I remember fighting back tears as I heard this time and time again. I remember the dual feeling of being punched in the stomach and having my heart ripped out as my dream of motherhood faded. It was during this time that I researched international adoption, requesting information packets, but still for some reason holding out.
In 2006, I met Marc. I knew almost immediately that he was the person I would share my life with. I remember telling him early on in our relationship that while I wanted to be a mother, I could not have children. That if he wanted to be a father, and he wanted to be with me, he would have to be open to adoption. Luckily for me he was.
In the midst of our dating, our engagement and planning for our wedding, I again looked into international adoption. And for the first time I came across the Ethiopia program. I think at this time I assumed we would adopt from China or South Korea. But something about Ethiopia was calling to me. But I'm not sure if I was stubborn or scared, but it took a while to listen.
I visited a couple of different doctors hoping that one would tell me what I wanted to hear. They didn't. I responded by closing off a piece of myself. I didn't mention family or children to Marc. We traveled quite a bit and we discussed all the places we wanted to travel in our lifetime, all the adventures we would have together. Just us two. I consoled myself by becoming a mom to 3 furry faces - our dogs. And I became possibly the coolest most generous aunt to my two nieces.
I was in denial. Every time a celebrity announced a pregnancy, every time a co-worker became pregnant, every time I was asked by someone - when are you going to start having kids, you're not getting any younger. Every time these happened I felt little pins being pushed in my heart. I would acknowledge yes I wasn't getting younger, but we'll see. I didn't owe anyone an explanation of my health or fertility status, but people can be cruel even if it is unintentional. As a defense mechanism I almost gave up the idea of motherhood. To his credit, Marc never pressured me. I think he was waiting for me to resolve my feelings. And I chose, at that time, to abandon my dream. But I was never at peace. Every question about starting a family, every baby picture I would see, updates from family and friends about their families were all constant reminders of what I was missing out on.
So early this year I began looking again at the adoption literature. And again I was drawn to Ethiopia. Of course I had questions and I had doubts. But that is where this wonderful tool came into play. The internet, the blog. Reading the stories of other families who had journeyed to Ethiopia, sharing their struggles and witnessing their joy, it became evident to me - I was meant to adopt from Ethiopia. My child will come from this wonderful beautiful country.
So this summer after 2 years of marriage and as I was approaching turning 40, I told Marc I think it is time. We looked into different agencies, narrowed down our choices and finally decided to apply. And it was as if a heavy burden was lifted from me. All those doctors who told me I couldn't become pregnant, never told me I wouldn't become a mother. I will. I have a different path to motherhood and I feel such indescribable peace now. Never have I felt so certain about any decision I have made in my life. This is right. This is how it will be. And I am so in love with a child I have never met. I am so grateful to a woman I have never met.
And here we are. Six months later we are on the wait list. We are anxious to become parents, terrified of becoming parents, daunted yet excited by the challenges and the joys that parenthood will bring.
